Yesterday, a physician whom I admired a lot, was killed in a tragic car accident, along with his wife. They leave 4 children and a grieving community. The hospital had grief counseling available because no one could process this. I am having a difficult time myself because I knew him, worked with him and saw the beauty of his compassionate care for others. The world lost a good one. It’s truly unfair. I want to scream.
I work mainly in hospice, so we see patients who have time to say goodbye. It’s not easy for anyone, but the time is a gift. Time is always a gift, but we usually squander it thinking we have more. But not at end of life, when we can see the end date right in front of us daily. So we use it better.
But sudden death, and unexpected death. Ugh. They are like a thief in the night who has snuck in and stolen all of our precious jewels. And we are shocked, dismayed, caught in a moment of unreality, shaking our heads in disbelief. Then sobbing madly for this injustice.
There is no preparation for death; not even when we know it is coming. And honestly, it is coming for all of us. But our brains are wired to survive, our brains do not understand any concept except life. We cannot imagine that our thoughts, our emotions, our energy, will just one day disappear. It’s beyond comprehension. For ourselves, and for the people in our lives who matter to us. And when they leave us, we are left undone.
So, how do we cope? How do we cope with this sudden vastness of emptiness? How do we not fall into the black hole of despair and anger for our loss? That is the question of the ages. Never really answered. But searched for always. Oh, there are books you can read and sermons you can hear, and quiet solitude in nature or mindfulness trying to figure it out. But in my experience, with my own grief, and watching the grief of others, I find this; there is no end. No perfect answer. Grief is not a linear concept with a beginning and an end. It becomes part of who we are. And there’s the rub. How do we integrate it into our lives without disrupting our lives. How do we move forward with a huge hole in our hearts.
Loss comes in many forms. It feels different to everyone. But we all suffer. Some of us fill that loss and emptiness with busyness; others crumple and try to sleep it away or take a pill or drink hoping for oblivion and an escape. But that’s short lived and you wake up with the loss right there, front and center once again.
And then there’s the facade you have to hide behind to show everyone that you’re ok. We aren’t really allowed to feel sad anymore; no, we have to show we have “moved on” that we have “closure.”’ And that is more exhausting and isolating than anything else I can think of.
So, getting back to the loss of my colleague. I’m going to tell you, it hurts. I feel acute pain; for his family, his patients, his essence. It is unfair and I’m angry about it. It goes into my loss bucket; because all losses remind us of all the others. I do not think we can separate them. One loss brings up another. That empty space just got bigger. And that’s why grief is such a tricky thing. And why there is no solution, no cure. It’s not a disease we can manage. It is not a phase or an episode. It is continuous, striking us at times when we thought we had moved ahead. But it moved with us. It lies dormant after the storm, but it’s there. Always there. We just need to embrace it and hope it makes us lead a life knowing it too has an end. And to stop trying to hide from it. And teaches us also not to squander our days, but to embrace life, with all the messiness and pain and joy. That’s the legacy they leave us. That’s what the thief cannot steal.
“Death is the absence that is forever present”
~Rabbi Steve Leder
Janice , so beautifully written, so true
Brought tears to my eyes❤️
Terribly sorry for your loss. Have you read Lincoln in the Bardo? I find George Saunders' lyrical phrases comforting.