New Year, Same Me

A new year is here. It’s hard to believe I have not written since last February. But life got in the way and some days it felt like a struggle just to hang on. I read a lot, worked a lot, but just could not write. No words to share. No meaningful thoughts. Blank.

But now another year is here and I can shake the cobwebs from last year and start anew.

Funny thing is, I do not feel new. I feel pretty much the same. Just carrying less baggage I suppose.

Life has allowed us this new year full of promises and adventures and we are blessed. We get to venture on with our family intact, our home secure, our daily lives seemingly normal.

But this is not true for so many. They hear ‘Happy New Year’ and think, I’m not happy. It doesn’t feel new. And for some, they do not want the old year to end.

This is especially true for many of the newly bereaved or those who have suffered a loss. They do not necessarily want to leave the year their loved one sat next to them and enter a year without them. They hate the thought of sad milestones facing them; birthdays, anniversaries, holidays. It doesn’t feel like a new beginning, it feels like a sad ending and an uncertain future.

I once took care of a young girl once who had a cancerous brain tumor. She was 12. I can still see her beautiful smile, the princess gowns she loved to wear, how she could light up a room. I saw her for many months and came to know the family well. After her death, her mom said to me, ‘Every day that passes is another day away from her. I want to stay with her. I hate the new year. It’s just another year without her.’

And that has stuck with me for over 20 years now.

Everyone, after someone suffers a loss, says that time heals. Give it time. But that is not always true. It may sting less, sometimes, but time doesn’t really heal. It just moves forward without the one we loved. And most of us carry that with us, silently missing them. It’s ours alone. We don’t become new. We are not given a clean slate. And the ending of one year and the start of a new one isn’t always happy.

This doesn’t mean we cannot celebrate or write resolutions we will break or feel happy. It doesn’t have to be all gloom and doom. But remember to make room for someone else’s sadness and let them bring it with them without shame.

Too many people feel isolated these days. I hear about it often. Sometimes people just do not want to hear the scrutiny, do not want to see others celebrating milestones their loved one will never achieve, do not want to be “cheered up” and told to move on or get closure. There is no such thing as closure. You cannot just close the door on missing someone and quite honestly, most do not want to. They want to keep their loved one’s memory close. So they close the door on the people saying those things instead.

So this year, as you are moving forward, remember that many are bringing a lot with them into the new year. And it can be heavy. So be a helping hand, a door opener to memories to that can be shared. No one wants their departed loved one forgotten or locked away behind a closed door. It will not hurt them if you bring them up, most people want their loved ones remembered. Sharing memories is a delight. It may cause some tears but that’s ok.

Be a door opener. Even for yourself.

“Never. We never lose our loved ones. They accompany us; they don’t disappear from our lives. We are merely in different rooms.” ~ Paulo Coelho

“Your memory feels like home to me. So whenever my mind wanders, it always finds it’s way back to you.” ~ Ranata Suzuki

“The holiest of holidays are those kept by ourselves in silence and apart: The secret anniversaries of the heart.” ~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow