Who Will I Be Now?
I hear about loss. A lot. Maybe it’s my age. Maybe my profession. Or it may be that people just like to talk about it. Because no one can escape it
Loss comes in all sizes, shapes and forms. It can be sudden or progressive or off in our future just lingering about. And it always hurts. And it’s always there. It just is.
Loss can be so profound that it utterly takes our breath away. But every loss is defined truly by the person left bereaved. There is no score, no measurement. No hierarchy of loss. Two people can have the same loss but feel and experience it so differently. Loss can bring us together or it can tear us apart. It speaks for itself, and, once spoken, we hear echoes of it forever. Some people forever define themselves by that loss.
Retirement seems like a gain, but it’s a loss. Being let go of a job, another loss. We can try to redefine these things as an opportunity, but it still has a before and an after.
And, in between those two times in our lives, lies loss.
People speak of ‘before and after’ often. Some call it “the new normal.” Some cannot get past the before and many try to return to it again and again, getting lost seeking to find it. Some people are said to be living in the past. Or some try to release the past, which is never easy. “Moving on” is another common theme. Easier said than done.
But, thinking about it lately, I really think it boils down to: Who Will I be Now? Or, Who am I Now?
It’s not a question commonly asked. Or easily answered.
Who am I now that I’m no longer Mrs. John Smith. Who am I now that I’m not a mom. Or a spouse. Or the VP of my company. Or a nurse? Or a sister, brother, cousin. How do I define myself? Can I just cling to who I was? If I stop being that person, am I being untrue to my past? Am I leaving my loved ones behind? Can I fill it up with something else? Someone else? Is there a pill for that? How about some more wine, please? Can I just get through this day without thinking about it?
And this is why people prefer not to look, not to ask, not to grow beyond. Because it takes a lot of courage and effort and most are simply too exhausted, and, it is easier to be empty and to be still. Have another glass of wine. Think about it tomorrow. Easier to focus on ‘was.’ Safer there.
Oh, but people try to nudge you forward, don’t they.
Ugh, Pinterest quotes; they are cute, but….. (I’m guilty of this)….
Daily affirmations, meditation, exercise. All good. But they are simply a distraction
And so it goes.
I also hear a lot of “was” in my talks with patients and families.
“ Dad was always the jokester in our family.”
“Mom was always there for me”
“ My home feels so empty now, it was so lovely. I hate it there now”
And I’m having these conversations oftentimes with the family sitting right next to their loved one who is still very much alive. And I watch them shrink further with each word spoken. When things are removed from you, that’s a huge loss. We haven’t left yet, but who are we? Who am I now? Why are we talking loss before it actually shows up?
It is the very definition of who they are that is being changed in real time. Imagine the loss they must feel being stripped of who they are, or, who they thought they were, right in front of their own eyes. By others.
Just thinking about some of these conversations makes me very sad indeed.
So, you may ask, ok, what did you say when you witnessed this? What do you say when someone speaks of their loss? Or someone else’s impending loss?
Most times I say nothing. I listen. I let the person talk. But I will ask questions of the patient sitting there, such as, what are your goals now? What do you want to accomplish with your life now, considering any limitations? Because even if they only have a few short months left, it is still their life. And their loss.
It’s their loss to define.
And you simply cannot judge loss. You cannot compare it to other losses in the hope of diminishing it. You cannot speak of your own losses, because this provides absolutely no comfort and is often seen as shaming. But it’s in the nature of people to do this. It is an attempt to show empathy and concern. Even love. It’s a way to show that we are all connected. So, don’t beat yourself up for doing this or let others make you feel bad. You’re trying and that matters. Trying matters. There is no textbook on this and withdrawing in silence is not the answer either. Although, many do this because it is the easiest and safest path.
But I digress.
So, let’s get back to the question, who am I now. I think we need to explore this more in our own lives. Most especially after the sting of loss has subsided over time. The wound will be there, but when it’s fresh, it’s sometimes best to rest and let it heal. Not pick at it.
So when you are ready, let’s go. (And only you know when you are ready.)
Here are a few questions to get the conversation started:
For the Adult bereaved or divorced~~~~
Who am I now that my husband/wife/mom/dad are no longer here? What do I need to have in my life that she/he provided? Can I do this alone? Do I need help? What changes feel good? What colors do I like? Do I know? Who defined me? Can I change things without leaving him/her behind?
Special note For the parent who loses a Child~~~~
You are still a parent. Period. End of story. You will always be that child’s parent and there is no such thing as closure. Most parents I have worked with over the decades who have lost a child want to talk about them, want them remembered and cherished. A child’s death is the worst no matter what age. And that’s all I will say about that for now. You are still mom and dad.
For someone who has a tangible loss like a job, a home, etc ~~~~~
Who am I now? Do I even know? Did I let that define me? Why?
Anyway, this is just an exercise in getting to know ourselves. After loss, we get so confused and lost. I see it every day in my work and have experienced it for myself. So I need this exercise just like everyone else who wants to seek answers.
There are a myriad of books about loss written by important authors whom I admire. And I have read a ton of them. But none of them know the all answers either. It just makes us feel less alone to hear their words. But at the end of the day, we have to ask ourselves the hard questions and listen for our own answers.
It’s not easy. And it takes a lot of time.
Let me know your thoughts, because we truly are all in this together.
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“I am on the seat for you to see,
I feel my heart’s beat, and I feel me.
I see you watching however I move,
And I see you catching me in my groove.
I am in pain, I will not reveal,
My fighting in vain, my wish to conceal.
My ache is insisting, I’m running away,
And keep on resisting, the price I must pay.
I’ve got to do it, though dying with fright,
I’d rather go through it, with the hope that I might…
Become real.”
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“Remember,
I am blessed with life.
I am blessed with a full and useful life.
I am alive.
I am.”
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NOTE: This poem and quote above came from a handwritten journal I kept in my early twenties, circa 1980’s. I would like to think I wrote them down from reading a library book by Hugh Prather. (We did that back then; no internet, no Amazon, few bookstores. Lots of pencils and paper.)
But I didn’t write an author name next to it. I have kept these few pages of my journal with me for 40 years. It resonated with me then, and still does to this day.
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