Ninety Days

I cannot believe I have not written anything in ninety days. I kept thinking I would write, and then thought again. Next week I said. Then tomorrow. Then the next day. And suddenly, three months have gone by.

I don’t have an excuse. Words just haven’t come to me lately. I have been spending more time than usual observing. Staying small. Watching.

Not the news or social media things. Just life.

Sometimes I tune into things, especially when I am trying to reduce stress. My breathing, sounds of nature, my thoughts. But then I tried something new; it was a subtle shift, but instead of tuning in actively, I just let the thoughts come to me. Redirecting the current of my attention. Let things just flow in. Open receptivity. Allowing sounds and sensations to come to me, not from me.

What inspired this? Well, something I heard from a man named Jeff Warren. He’s on my Calm App. Usually I listen to things and they help in the moment. But this has stuck with me. And I like it. Although, I simply cannot explain how it works. It’s just a softening. A subtle shift.

What brought this on? Well, many things. Work has been tough lately. Just too much of everything; trying to help, feeling frustrated, being sad about something I see or hear, losing people who fought so hard, feeling like I don’t do enough. Then there’s my own life and the lives of those I love. Full of ups and downs. And sometimes, it knocks you down and takes the wind right out of your sails. And you cannot seem to give anymore. You are just empty.

I had a patient recently who mentioned this to me. She has a pretty bad cancer with not a great prognosis. The kind of thing that makes you want to sit in your car and weep. Her thoughts are quiet. She likes to not fill the silence with unnecessary words. “Meaningless” she tells me. “People come here to say goodbye perhaps. But they never do. They just blather on with nonsense. I’m not saying I don’t appreciate their visits, on the contrary, I love it. But why can’t they just sit with me. I have no more to give. I’m tired and empty and I just need them to be. Do you get that? Am I being rude?”

No, she’s not rude. She just wants to let things flow in. That subtle shift I mentioned. She does not have the energy to tune in to others. She needs just to be. And for folks to just be there with her. Not trying to fill up the empty.

This is sometimes why I go to the barn to see my horse at dusk. It soothes the soul. Seeing the big sky, you feel part of the emptiness. No noise. No blather. Just quiet sounds of life around you; the horse hooves hitting the ground while they run wild, the call of the birds, the wind in the trees. Your mind doesn’t have to be full. You can just let things come to you. It’s a lovely feeling honestly.

I had another patient not long ago talking to me about books. He loved a well written book. He told me that when the world got to be too much, he loved to disappear into the words of others. The silent words that filled once blank pages now filled him. He was a writer himself he told me, but suffered from writer’s block. He wanted to write that great novel one day. He told me his greatest joy, beyond his loved ones, was buying paper and pens. He told me the emptiness of the blank page inspired him. And that he alone could fill the emptiness with his own words once he allowed them to come to him, not from him. “What power silence has” he said.

And he is so right.

Anyway, I hope everyone thinks about the subtle shift of letting the world come to them. Allowing empty space. I suppose it’s a kind of passive meditation. I’m not sure. But it did inspire me to write, so for that I am feeling absolutely grateful. And full.

“Nothing exists except atoms and empty space; everything else is opinion.”

~Democritus

“And slowly a discussion begins, as Morrie has wanted all along, about the effect of silence on human relations. Why are we embarrassed by silence? What comfort do we find in all the noise?

~from Tuesdays with Morrie, Mitch Albom

“Go for long walks, indulge in hot baths, question your assumptions, be kind to yourself, live for the moment, loosen up, scream, curse the world, count your blessings. Just let go. Just be.”

~Carol Shields